Monday is tomorrow you know..

I turned the key to my clients apartment and slid her dog through and stepped in. The neighbor next door opened her door and with great vigor and shrill, yelled, "Take that other dog ooouut!" And slammed her door closed.

I yelled back, "Excuse me! Hello?!"

She opened her door again, phone in hand and without really looking at me yells that she is newly widowed, the dog howls in the morning, the dog is barking all the time and she's on the phone with the landlord right this second.

She was like an old shark, eyes rolled back in her head. Ranting less to give me this information and more to make sure her neighbors and the landlord on the phone knew how dire this situation was.

My attempts to respond went something like, "wait a min...excuse me..don't yell at..this isn't my dog...you're.....you're aware....that I'm the dog walk.....dog walker right?"

*

My client has two little dogs, one good, one bad. I used to walk both for the price of one because I sometimes fuck myself into arrangements I regret. But then the bad one became badder and decided she would prefer to relieve herself in the elevator, hallway or in my arms if I was holding her, on her way outside.

My client thought it would be fine for me to just clean up after the dog. No.
So I said, "Not unless you want to pay me more." She said, "Oh, no just go ahead and leave her in, she can use the wee wee pads." Which lay all over her apartment like lily pads.

But this bad dog isn't of which the angry widow speaks...
You see, my client prides herself in rescuing and fostering vicious little dogs one at a time and having me walk them with the one dog of hers I will walk.

The dog the old shark is referring to is Bruno. Bruno according to my client, has never been outside before and surely never on a leash so he would need "patience and coaxing" in his walks. What ended up happening for little Bruno, as I don't only walk this clients dog and rescues but other client dogs too is that Bruno got pulled along and adamantly refused to cooperate. So much so that the walks were more like drags.

This is irritating because a dragging dog gives a really bad impression to people walking by. It seems as if, to the average clueless observer, a dog's bad behavior is always a direct result of abuse and/or neglect by the evil person walking it and a happy, good doggy is because of something else.

The last day I walked Bruno started like this, "Hi Bruno, come're....Brunoo..no don't run away, come're.." Bruno running frantically around the apartment becoming more hysterical, me closing in on him in the bedroom where he decided me with a leash meant terrible death and proceeded to urinate on and bite me.

Through a series of notes, phone texts and calls I told my client I was through with dear Bruno and she told me she thought it would be ok for me to walk him still and proceeded to tell me how troubled and scared he was and....and I don't give a shit.

So for two weeks now Bruno has become more comfortable in his surroundings, with the wee wee lily pads and the other bad dog to stay in with and has taken to barking for long periods and howling when feeling a feeling he doesn't like, and this makes widows mad. This would make most neighbors mad. And I understand.

So instead of telling the widow to go fuck herself through the door she slammed in my face I left her a note saying I understood her situation but her business isn't my concern when she yells at me and that I don't want her to speak to me again unless she can control herself. I tried to slide it under her door but it wouldn't go through so I left it on the threshold hoping she would look down at some point in the next few days.
Must. have. last. word..

P.S. Client has left a note stating how much better Bruno is and would I please try walking him again on Monday...I wrote, Yes.

jack and jerk

I passed a group of teenage boys the other day. I caught the middle part of their conversation, it went like this, "Do you ever jack off so much that.."

All involved were very intent on the subject. Eyes wide, baited breath. I'm guessing the answer to the question was, yes.