Where's my fix for the day?

Ive created several distractions for myself. These distractions better help to prevent me from feeling relaxed and happy. Rather than calling them distractions lets call them, habits. Or can we be dramatic and call them...addictions?

Yes, that's what they are for me. And it's really not several, it's just one. Fear. Yes fear, it comes in all shapes and sizes, content doesn't really matter. It's that delicious fix of adrenaline I get when I sort for all that's wrong in the world and find it.

Here's how it works; Over repetitive years of shit sorting I've been able to develop an almost instant state of anxiety in myself right when I wake up. I then take this feeling to indicate that something is actually wrong rather than realizing it's just a stinky habit.

I then lay in bed pulling all the covers off of me as my temperature has risen because I'm anxiously alert and sorting for the reasons why. And believe me, I'm a very good investigator, I find what I'm looking for.

Examples follow:
"I owe so much money, I'm in debt. What bill is due? Oh shit, did I forget to pay something?! No. " A lull in the sorting then, "I've got to clean my ferrets cage and sweep the litter around it, I need to mop this floor, what am I some loser that doesn't care?" shortly after, "I need more clients, I need to make more money...why is it so slow these days? There's too much competition, I can't keep up, wonder if I never get anymore..."

I'm very affective at keeping my peace and happiness at bay. Just writing the last paragraph has risen my pulse and made me feel like a wee little good-for-nothing. And the ironic thing about this amusing past time is that it takes up all of your energy and confidence thus leaving you listless and a little paranoid. You should try it!


Kidding aside, I've determined to see this little addiction for the drama that it is, realize it's all just a silly bore and find something better to do in the morning..afternoon and night. Like being relaxed and happy.