I was convinced my ex was out seeing someone yesterday. I kept texting her with no reply. So I sat there and my mind started to weave elaborate tales about Kate and her new lover and how much fun they were having while I was at Kate's apartment taking care of our animals. I didn't leave well enough alone, I kept texting, demanding replies then almost begging a reply. I must know, get this over with, come clean, etc. Nothing. I finally came to the conclusion her phone was dead, but she had her charger with her. A lot of brooding, she's with someone, she's not.
At 10PM she calls and asks if I would kindly leave the apartment so she can come home.
"Have you gotten my texts?" , me.
"Yes", she.
"You got my 20 texts and you didn't respond to any?", me.
"No I'm trying to take time for myself and you texting me isn't helping" she.
"You couldn't just text me and say it's not true and leave me alone?!", me.
"No.", she.
This conversation goes on for twenty minutes or more, as do these types of conversations. I felt like a desperate freak that's been made more a fool by her sitting there letting me text her countless paranoid questions with no reply. There's a cruelty about it.
This is all a rotten situation and I struggle in it, trying to make it fit what I want it to be.
Don't betray your mate, don't hurt them too deeply. You may have to "temporarily separate" which may mean permanently. But you won't know right off, you'll sit in his/her I Don't Know What I Want limbo. You may act like a fool or you may just give up. You may feel sorry for yourself but you'll always know you brought it on yourself.
Just try not to be a shit.
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4 comments:
I can SO see myself doing the same thing.
Remember when Phil (monkey-man) and I broke up and I used to physically grip the steering wheel of my car so I would not turn left and go to his shop...it took all my strength and often I failed and would go over there and stand around with him and he would give me these one-word answers and avoid my gaze...
The whole not answering you thing was unnecessarily cruel and I can't help thinking that she may have some weird control issues.
I am glad you are in the fine new place. I hope it is as fun as Richard Street was for you, except without Dodie next door and Dawnetta refusing to vacuum.
I agree with Sue about the control issue thing, I mean ... just one message to let you know she's home, or at least not with someone else, although if she is wanting to make you suffer for something you did - looks like she found a way.
I'm sorry-that's a terrible place to be in. Is there any way to sort of drown in activities-things you like, to help get through this?
Sue and Mrs Fortune-We've had control issues through out our relationship and I suppose they played into this situation too. We have roles, I'm the mom and she's the rebelling teenager. She likes to say these roles are all my doing, she's merely reacting to my behavior. I do have control issues, so does she. You know the theory that we seek out people who will help us resolve old issues? I think this has happened here. We've spent so much time trying to prevent the other from taking advantage of us. I wish so much that she and I can make peace with one another and stop wasting so much oppurtunity for joy.
Also, in this situation I wrote about I was at her apartment with our animals. When she's away, I come over to be with them. It's hard being in our/her apartment.
Spotted Elephant-My days are busy with work, a class I take and just moving around in the city takes up a lot of time and attention. This helps me from thinking constantly about it.
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