There is this wacky guy who lives in the building of one of the dogs I walk. He gets into the elevator with me and my dog and screams, "HI INDIE!" Indie sits close to me looking at him with half interest half discomfort.
I'm looking at the guy trying to not let my lip curl into a snarl. He's not a bad guy just fucking clueless and overly happy in that fake loud pushy way.
Loud Happy Guy yells, "ARE YOU GOING FOR YOUR WALK IN THE RAIN INDIE?!"
Indie: Why yes, I am accompanying my dog-walker here for an hour long stroll where we will also stop by Nellie's place and pick her up too. Hopefully I'll have a nice firm shit so it's not too much trouble for Robin to pick up as she does get pissed when my shit comes out like soft serve. A few pisses on choice trees and hydrants and I should be home in time to grab one of my owners shoes, jump onto the couch and have a chew or two before she comes home. Thanks for asking.
Loud happy guy always thinks if the dog looks at him he has to say, "OH SORRY INDIE, I DON'T HAVE ANY TREATS ON ME RIGHT NOW!"
He then looks at me and by now I am snarling at him because I know what he's going to say "ISN'T IT FUNNY HE ALWAYS WANTS A TREAT?!"
And for the 76th time I say, "Actually just because the dog's attention may be on you doesn't mean you need to anthropomorphize his behavior into behavior you yourself exhibit, the need for a treat, your treat being the crumbs of attention you get from being such a kiss ass loud happy guy."
Ok so I don't ever say this.
I just spread my tight lips into an imitation of a smile, staring dead eyed beyond his head biding my time till the doors open.
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5 comments:
Remember to leave that last bit out. Or start yelling that to the guy.
Just look dutifully at the numbers, honey. Practice elevator etiquette and pretend you're counting down to when his head detonates.
Or... alternatively, you can count aloud and make him think you're a freak so he has to dodge you instead of the other way around.
Or... alternatively, you can tell him exactly what you're thinking and hand him a cookie.
des and K-lol
Walter Mitty's sidekick strikes again!
You, like most of us, should keep a diary entitled: All The things I should Have Said.
I hope you haven't degenerated to the point that I have and walk away repeating out loud the great stuff you could have said.
It's OK that people eyeball me as a mumbling old fool but you're sort of young to be labeled as such.
dad-lol. I'm used to this guy. There's nothing really pressing I have to say to him. so if I mumble my lips aren't moving. I believe he knows how I feel about him and it just makes him try harder.
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