I spend time pretending to not see my mean lurking in corners. There's sick denial of my Ugly that has it consuming the pretty just to get noticed. So let me say, yes I meant it at the time. I am your dragon. And I'll be it again.
There are times when I would like to knock babies and their cutesy mommys out of the way and fuck girls under 18, 'cause they had it coming to them.
I do judge your slovenly ass as you sit so pleased with yourself on the train. And when you bump into me I sometimes think of how liberating it would feel to sucker punch you so hard in the back of your head that you fall and break your face.
I would like to collect lovers, one for each mood and shade of Ugly and pretty I own. And like the Marilyn Manson lyrics go, "I'm not in love, but Im gonna fuck you till somebody better comes along." Better yet, I AM in love but I'm gonna fuck you till somebody better comes along.
I covet attention from others. I'm piggish about it and play smooth, pretend to be delighted and surprised. I judge my body for aging, it's failure to remain unrealistically, exactly the way I fucking want it. I judge yours for repelling me, making me loath you, for attracting me, making me want you.
You are too white and gentrified. You are too ghetto and rude. You are a fucking bore and when I pass you I see how much better I am and how clueless you are to it. I would put my hand on your head and push off into another direction if I weren't repulsed by the touch.
I want. And I don't want to give back unless it makes me look good. I am a vacuum and I will suck you dry and leave you stupefied. Stupefied 'cause you thought I was 'so nice'. I will be discontented with what you give and leave you no peace till I get more.
Sometimes I love movies depicting the pain and death of the innocence of others. Horror flicks that creep me out by turning me on with blood and death and terror.
I love Marilyn Manson. He's my Ugly and my pretty's hero. He says all the things I'm thinking about you and the world. He stands up for and in his Dark and kicks your balls with it.
And yet, I'm worn by Ugly. I want so much to pretend and not own it. My mom's like this. "Let's pretend it didn't happen and everything will be fine." I'm sticky on one side with this stupid denial. Fuck off and out of me already.
The worst part is my regret and shame about my actions. These actions and thoughts have lead me to realize I would have been better off owning my selfishness as it happened. But I turned from the fire and let it burn unchecked till there was nothing left but fucking regret and an Ugly so big it deserved to be capitalized.
My Ugly lights up like a beacon to the damned. I will drown you if you seek refuge.
Marilyn Manson-User Friendly
5 comments:
Never complain, never explain. Maybe you're a fluffy little pink stuffed kitty cat on the inside.
I like the lover collection thing. :)
Nwo-haaa, I knew you would.
Let us just behave as if what I'm actually saying here is something charming. Something that shows how much I admire your talent and appreciate your candor, without being overly fawning.
I've had a bad ugly day, but you make me feel better.
You also make me want to tell strange little kids that they're totally fucked. "You're fucked, little kid. Fuck off!"
Weird, eh?
TS
I never saw you as Ugly with a capital 'U'.
Perhaps a little odd looking but nothing more.
Dragons can be beautiful. Or lucky. Just don't touch their gold, goddammit.
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