Click on the photo to get a better view.J, R and I were walking home from dinner passing one of J's favorite grocery stores. There are two cows and a chicken posing on the top of the store. There is always coversation being made about the chicken and how huge it is compared to the cows. He is out of proportion.
J keeps speaking about it, looking at it. And I keep saying, 'Yes, I know, I hate it.' She wants me to look but I can't. She thinks my reaction is amusing so I explain that the proportions are unacceptable and completely intolerable to my reality thus I must not look at it. And as with dogs, if I don't see it, it's not there.
A weird quirk has risen to my surface and J loves it so I explain a little something.
As a child I played with Barbies, cars and other little peopley toys. I enjoyed finding things that I could use in the lives of these creatures such as the little things they put in the pizza box to prevent the box from mashing onto the pie. These plastic protectors make great tables for little peopley characters (you know, the little Star Wars characters, etc.) but completely unacceptable with Barbie because it's way too small and that's just insanity.
A banana split boat from Dairy Queen is ideal for Barbie in the tub when she wants to float on the lake but it's way too big for the other peopley people and could not be used by them or sit anywhere near where they reside in my room.
Big Tonka bulldozers and dump trucks are awesome for Hans Solo and Chubaca as they fit inside but ridiculous for Barbie and Matchbox cars. And other children who mix are stupid and my patience and respect would quickly run dry. Leading me to wander alone to the monkey bars or another sand box where I could bring order back into life.
I still find things that would be ideal for Barbie but not Luke Skywalker or vise versa. I want to bring them home but that's just weird at this point in my life. And so is the chicken and the cows and I will not have my stomach lurching about with anxiety over them. I will not look and thus, they do not exist.
23 comments:
1. who took the picture?
2. Barbies are just freaks. It's not their fault they are huge.
3. You're hilarious.
Des-I took the pic, resentfully.
Barbie is a freak but I loved her misshapen form..
Tanks for the hilarious, little rabbit.
4. I don't think that's a real fake chicken. I think it's a fake guy in a fake chicken suit. So his size is not so intolerable.
5. I agree; you are hilarious. And adorable!
6. Barbies also fit on those big plastic horses my cousiin had all over her room. (I was so jealous) But she wouldn't sit all the way down. Her legs wouldn't spread that far. She would just sort of crush the horse between her knees and then lean stiffly back while I galloped her all around the room. Sometimes she would fall off, and then I would say, "STUPID BARBI! Get back on the STUPID HORSE!"
7. My brother put my Han Solo action figure in a meat grinder and grinded him up. This isn't really related (although the meat grinder was a bit like Sarlacc). I just wanted you to know what a meanie my big brother was and why I sprayed perfume on his clothes in the mornings before school.
8. You are frigging hilarious.
9. TS is frigging hilarious. And dangerous in a makes me want to share my candy with her way.
10. Barbie, I miss you.
11. There is a Han Solo lost in the pachysandra in the front yard of 5 Bushy Hill Drive in Newington CT. If found, please contact me so I can get some closure.
12. I completely understand the need for kosher spatial relationships. I do it with texture. A shred of gristle will make me dry-heave and cry, I won't sit on certain upholstery - especially if I'm in shorts/skirt where it may contact my skin, and I have heard these beautiful words: "I thought I told you never to wear those pants around your sister again." The devil's suit is made of shantung silk.
Toasty-Yes! The horses. Loved them but you're right she would sit like a frigid WASP on them. I resented her inability to relax.
As for your brother, a bastard was he. I would have crept into his closet and peed in his shoes, cause I was too repressed as a child to blantenly seek revenge as you did.
And no the chicken is a real fake chicken an no one can convince me otherwise but it's ok cause I don't look and it doesn't exist
Kristin-certain patterns give me migraines and if I'm in a room with wallpaper whose pattern is a vexation to my soul I will fucking obsess on how it should be reworked to look better and eventually I freak out. This actually would be a good way to make me talk in an interrogation room.
By the way, everything that came out of your head in your comment made me laugh. Gristle, upholstery...sigh.
strange hard things in my hamburger, my lips purse in an attempt to not vomit. old school polyester pant suit, multi colored print? Two different blacks together? Jean on jean? If you don't look it isn't there.
13. It's in our genes.
Symmetry - "Uber allen"!
Hotel bedspread. That's all I have to say. Just go with that and try not to die.
K-lol. why did you take me there?
I'm not sure what is says that I completely agree with you and, even though I am hundreds of miles away, the fact that that chicken exists is driving me nuts?
I'm with Des. You are triple-special hilarious today.
Maggie, girl it's not weird at all. It shouldn't exist and that's why I don't look at it.
Bob-thank you very much. smooch
Dad-We have some really weird shit lurking within don't we?
Wow. I guess we all have our compulsions. Mine has to do with apostrophes, yours has to do with proportion - big deal! The cow/chicken thing is so weird though, I agree with you on that one. (I am so digging that picture of you by the way).
I wonder if there is a place we could all meet that would satisfy all our requirements for sane-ness.
I am laughing my head off. I came back to rant that this is still bothering me even miles away and read that it's got Maggie, too. MAKE IT STOP! Tonight, midnight, we meet outside the location and take down the chicken!
K-I will be the look out as I cannot tolerate dealing with the monstrous poultry.
You guys are going to be really embarrassed when you find a naked fake man under that fake chicken costume.
TS
ps. I'll still bail you out if you get caught, though.
The guy is fake, too? That's just frigging creepy.
You would hate my daughter...
I remember at the ageof 2 she was given her first Barbie from my parents...
I thought'Oh, Good Prostitute Barbie, How great!"
But my daughter opened the Barbie squealed with glee and ran to get her stuffed toys...
She lines up all her toy animals... from elephants to dogs...
And ...
Barbie breastfed every single one off them.
Maybe Barbie's boobs were just out of proportion... But watching as she latched the elephant to Barbie's boob was an extrodinary thing to behold...
pendullum-This would have bothered me extremely. Stuffed animals never played into my toy world and the mix would have been excruciating to observe..although the breast feeding aspect would have peaked my interest.
Laurie-I'm so glad you understand the angst of the plastic table not working for Barbie. I mean, Barbie needed tables.
Maybe the chicken is the right size, but the cow is a dwarf. Yes, you are Very Funny!
I think it's a bunch of regular chickens standing on top of each other, inside the fake BIG chicken. it is a part of their plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
belle-I could use a little chicken take over of our government but using an out of proportion big chicken isn't acceptable. One must draw the line.
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