I've been a hurtful person lately. I have said some things that I meant, but in a cruel way because I was hurt. This has always been a problem. When really hurt, I often attack.
I'm feeling pretty bad about it. Bad indeed. And now there's nothing left to be done but realize I've caused permanent damage to the heart of someone. It's hard to make peace, in fact there's not much peace to be had.
The way it looks, neither will there be forgiveness. That which was of value between us isn't worth the hurt that sits heavy and large in the room.
I have to find the practice of restraining my reactions to the emotion of pain. To feel it yes, but not strike out like a cat. Causing maximum damage in a flash of time.
Today I wish to step gently. I'm so disappointed with me because really, this is the worst behavior I own and it's still alive and well.
**I have to find and believe that it's worth feeling all the pain caused me without striking out at the person who caused it, making them hurt too. Because isn't this on a large and small scale what it's about? What many of us so much want to see in the world? To feel the rage and not act out of it? Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., The Dalai Lama..
I want this strength for myself
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16 comments:
Here's what I do: (note: Dalai Lama would not approve) I channel all of my impulses to lash out into a large pile on top of what I like to call "my superiority complex" where it functions as fertilizer so that I have plenty of "my superiority complex" to gaurd me from lesser mortals who might try to hurt me.
I am infuriatingly reasonable. I assume responsibility. I apologize for being treated like shit. Some people see this as a weakness--a particularly feminine one--but I disagree. I see it as an effective rhetorical technique.
Another thing I do is completely isolate myself from anyone who could possibly hurt me in any way. I tell them: "I don't want you ANYWAY! I can make it ON MY OWN!"
That works too.
I wish I could give you a hug right now.
TS
This that you do..I may be able to take a little of it to use myself, (the 'I don't want you ANYWAY! I can make it ON MY OWN' stand) just a little to bring me more to a middle. Like, instead of letting them know I'm heart broken, just withdraw. Damn that's hard..
Fertilizer, yes..I will think on this..I too take alot of blame not that They would know it but I am beating myself at this very moment...Cat-o-nine, my back is bleeding.
I wish you could hug me too..
love you T.
r
lol
Don't really listen to me! I'm spiteful and horribly alone.
I break up with people before they even have the chance to introduce themselves to me.
"Hi, my name is..."
"Back off! I need my space, man! What the hell do you people want from me?!"
"Er...and I'll be your server this evening....?"
"Selfish bastard."
Yeah, don't listen to me. Remember, I'm the one who gives directions even though she doesn't know where the hell she is.
Just don't forget you're beautiful and loved. That's all.
TS
Please do not crucify yourself for having very human and yes - forgivable - emotions and reactions. You're right, it does suck to feel and to admit that you have to/want to change your behaviors, but you are NOT POO for being normal. I know that disappoints you as you so clearly enjoy being not normal (I'm with ya on that), but you are in this case very mortal. This person could forgive you until they're blue in the face but it wouldn't sink in unless you're able to feel forgivable and forgive yourself. Know what I mean, man? I don't know how to do that. Like Suzy, I have tricks and theories to help me cope, but I'm still looking for the super healing method of grown-ups, too. What those emotionally evolved people do to recover and move on. Maybe it's not holding that stuff back but burning it off. Finding a way to release the aggro so you can present your feelings to the other person the way you want to. Alternatively, Oktober fests are coming up. Maybe we should get all boozed up and fat with schnitzels and wursts. You cannot cry or feel crappy around oompah bands. Physically impossible. I love you like crazy.
GR:
You're trying to put yourself in with some pretty fast company.
Gandhi, MLK and the Dali Lama! There are very few of those types in any given
Most of us act more like Larry, Curly and Mo. They're easier to emulate.
Miss toasty:
Once again you take the day.
Breaking up before the introduction is the only smart way to go about personal relationships.
Don't know what happened to the word 'millennium' in the above message.
Ack, I think I know what you mean. I hate looking at my dark side, it's ugly and it's mom dresses it funny.
This reminds me of that song from Shrek, "...all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who out-drew you." Why the hell do we do this? I know how to be an active listener, I know how to disengage, why is it so hard sometimes to actually put these skills to work instead of rising to the defensive attack? I don't know either, gr, but today I'm blaming pms.
Well then, people shouldn't hurt you, huh? They should know better.
*hugs*
Ah, GR. (((hugs)))
Yeah, I dunno, saints...well. Much as I admire MLK. But I keep going back to Orwell's essay on Gandhi; essentially he comes to the conclusion that it's not that other humans are failed saints; it's that they're -two different paths.- Different goals.
All of you rock. Thank you.
Toasty-I love your kind of fucked up. It keeps you safe. I'm not the safe sort. I always walk straight in and to be honest I wouldn't change much that happened with This Person. Not much...but I would have liked to have some more of her skills of restraint and putting herself first. Maybe not to her degree but enough.
Love you
Kristin-I guess like my dad said, the Emotionally Evolved don't come round often..But still..I have lowered myself to a shit level and I know it's human but I'm better than the rest of you...lol. Ok ok, bullshit.
Seriously, Oktober Fest lets do it. If I come your way I'll have to sack it on the couch cause I'm gonna be havin a few..or vice versa.
Daddy-as usual you make me feel forgiven and somehow it always makes me forgive myself. You make the next day look better. I love you.
P.S. I'm sooo Moe.
Beth-'I hate looking at my dark side, it's ugly and it's mom dresses it funny.'
God it's true. There is nothing that can make me more hopeless about my future emotional enlightenment than looking at the shitty things I've said to someone I love. The dark side wears hideous clothes.
The song you're talking about is called Hallelujah by a guy.. I forget his name. But a great version of that song is done by Jeff Buckley. Check it out.
It's funny that you bring it up actually cause I had that very verse quoted on the front of my blog about this very same situation.. you're psychic.
Des- you needed your own window because you stated the most obvious truth..like duh..what was she thinking?
Seriously, she's amazing and she is no longer in my life and it leaves a void.
PS love you. What color hair? Multi still?
Belle, this is the kind of thinking that opens up whole new ways of seeing things..thank you.
As fucking usual, "Lets get together it's been a fuck load of forever since the last. What's doing next weekend?"
Always multi. I think it's the same as last time I saw you. Faded a little, maybe, but still some sort of pink/purple/red. (That combo is always a good bet with me anyhow.)
p.s. soon you will have braqcelet #3. That oughtta cheer you up! Just don't use it to hit people.
Free this weekend as far as I know. email.
See? By sharing, you made us all better!
We're all a buncha dopes, aren't we. I like your dad - Larry Moe & Curly. With a little Shemp thrown in for good measure.
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