When I was 19 I got into a car with two boys from southside Phoenix and ended up in the parking lot of some bar, drunk and violated. The present bestowed upon me for my mistake, for their cruelty was a pregnancy. And my responding gift was to abort.
I've always been and still am an advocate for this right. To part company with the mass of cells that grow into a human within our bodies. I've gone far enough to say it didn't matter to me if it was murder, though I didn't believe that it was. I'd do it again and help anyone who needed it to have their freedom back. I would scratch and claw the faces of the pro-lifers blocking the entry to any clinic and if and when the conservatives overturn Row vs. Wade I'll still help anyone who asked for it.
The revelations that move us to a different view happen in the simplest, immediate ways. So as I laid in bed this morning listening to a song by Tori Amos called Playboy Mommy (a song to the baby she aborted), the image of the torn flesh they took out of me on that table appeared in my mind. In the gentlest and kindest way this broken piece of baby said I'd killed it. My own private murder. My own committed responsibility, this little life ripped out of me. And it wasn't a judgment, a condemnation or a call to guilt. Just a fact.
A fact that this baby and I will never meet and will always be separated by my act. This baby would be 18 in May. A missed opportunity. I can tell you all the reasons why it was best I didn't take this baby's life into my care, there were many. And I can't bear the thought of ruining a human so in the end I still say I did the right thing.
But as I get older this baby and I occasionally meet and I see the glimmer of mistake or maybe just regret for not knowing it.
I could go into this further, I could tell you what a sweet love I've had for the soul since the moment I knew it was inside of me and the love I had for it when I ended it's growth to life. Would you believe that this act contained love? It doesn't matter if you do but these things run through my mind.
These are things to consider.
Playboy Mommy
Tori Amos
In my platforms
I hit the floor
Fell face down
Didn't help my brain out
Then the baby came
Before I found
The magic how
To keep her happy
I never was the fantasy
Of what you want
Wanted me to be
Don't judge me so harsh little girl
So you got a Playboy mommy
But when you tell 'em my name
And you want to cross that bridge
All on your own
Little girl they'll do you no harm
Cause they know
Your Playboy mommy
But when you tell 'em my name
From here to Birmingham
I got a few friends
I never was there when it counts
I get my way
You're so like me
You seemed ashamed
Ashamed that I was
A good friend of American soldiers
I'll say it loud here by your grave
Those angels can't
Ever take my place
Don't judge me so harsh little girl
So you got a Playboy mommy
But when you tell 'em my name
And you want to cross that bridge
All on your own
Little girl they'll do you no harm
Cause they know
Your Playboy mommy
But when you tell 'em my name
I got a few friends
Somewhere where the orchids grow
I can't find those church bells
That played when you died
Played Gloria
Talkin 'bout Hosanah
Don't judge me so harsh little girl
So you got a Playboy mommy
Come home
But when you tell those soldiers my name
And cross that bridge
All on your own
Little girl they'll do you no harm
Cause they know
Your Playboy mommy
But I'll be home
I'll be home
To take you in my arms
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Ah sweetie. Things to consider indeed.
ACIM says "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the peace of God."
Our reality is beyond flesh. If you need to meet that soul somewhere to be together, I believe you will.
Bob-you've given me just what I needed. thank you
Blessed be, darlin'. I love your brave sweetness, and your truth.
Beautiful Girl,
You might find this link interesting.
I stumbled across it when I was looking for someone to argue with:
http://gbitch.blogspot.com/2006/08/telling-without-shame_15.html
Love you,
TS
I love that song.
I'm sorry that you had to make that decision, and I feel honored that you would share it with us. Know that we as your friends would support you if you ever had to make it again, and love you for whatever choices you will make in the future and have made in the past.
oh yeah,
*hug*
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I've learned a lot this day, both from you and Suebob. All I can say is, thank you for sharing this.
thanks everyone for your words and kindnesses. love you
Thank you so much for sharing.
My mother aborted the fetus she had conceived with her alcoholic, abusive first husband. Years later, she had me. She told me that if she hadn't had that abortion, she probably would have never gathered the courage to leave him shortly afterward.
She regretted the abortion until she had me, she said.
Thanks Natalie, thanks Laura.
Post a Comment