This next weekend Kate is going out of town. Usually I would go to her place and stay with Mur and our cats but with the recent information about an ongoing relationship she started before we broke up has effected me deeply. Especially because it was an indiscretion on my part that led to our inevitable break. I've been given a dose of the same medicine, it stinks and I retch daily.
The thought of sleeping and sitting where she's been with this new lover, soulmate, best friend ever, makes me want to abandon everything that still sits in that apartment that's mine. Especially anything that these two have embraced on. Going and staying there feels like a never ending nightmare.
So my choices are, to stay there for the weekend. Bring friends, dates and whoever shows up, play games, eat, talk and simply get through it. Or hire a fellow dog-walking friend to come petsit.
If we go the petsit route Kate thinks I should pay for half. Which normally I would do without hesitation but since I'm just this side of coming out of the hell I've felt when I found out about her new mate, I resent having to pay for something that wouldn't have been necessary if she had been honest about this person in the first place.
Through the 8 months before we broke, Kate condemned and judged me as forever a louse for my behavior. She led me to believe I deserved no reprieve from her disgust as she was of a higher moral caliber and would never behave as cruelly as I. I believed her on all counts. I was a wretched louse and her moral level surpassed mine.
But ultimately that simply wasn't true and when I found out about her actions, they highlighted many chapters in the history of our relationship that were shady and unclear. Situations where her actions I'd judged simply as reactions to my bad behavior. My faults had caused bad behavior in her. Large portions of our time together have different sides and angles from which to view them from. I no longer see that all bad has occurred as a reaction to me.
I no longer take the responsibility for being The Asshole in this relationship. I'm weary of the title. I behaved like an asshole, that will always be true but so did she, before and after the fact.
With all this being said. The quandary, should I stay, should I pay? What are your thoughts?
7 comments:
sometimes you pay for the convenience... food delivered even though it's not as good, rent a movie instead of seeing it on the big screen, hiring someone to spare yourself emotional damage.
weigh the out of pocket expense with your suffering, and decide which is too great.
I've called my friend to see if she is available to pet sit. And if not? Shit oh shit.
also, your dog is cute. I bet he's very lovable.
I agree with des. If spending the weekend in an apartment where you are going to creep yourself out over who touched what, sat on, or whatever on, inanimate objects, forget it.
Got to be worth a few bucks to avoid the mind fuck.
Yes-do whatever will cause you the least pain.
thank you everyone.
Aw Murph is darling. I dunno. I'd really like to be with my dog so I might try to put my headfuckedness aside for that. But you know I am insane.
I was going to slander K with some pretty specific stuff, but instead let me say: I am pissed off on your behalf, and I will leave it at that.
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